The Twelfth

Dear Steve,

This letter has been in process for quite sometime. There are of course, the emotions and thoughts that I had long before I decided to write these letters but then there are the actual thoughts put to paper since then. So please, be patient as I try to get all my thoughts out in a somewhat intelligible manner.

I once loved you.
I once tried to become someone I wasn’t just to make you happy.
I once hated myself for the person I became in an attempt to make you happy.
I once realized that no matter what I did, I did not have the power to make you happy.
I once got over it and worked to become the person I wanted to be without anyone else’s influence.

You apparently have played a big role in my life. I wish this letter could be a letter of forgiveness and understanding. It would have been had I written it 2 months ago. Yet, in that uncanny way you seem to be famous for, you yet again threw a wrench into my plans and my life. I finally felt secure in knowing that the kids and I were “good”. I thought that you no longer had an affect on us. I remember feeling relief that whatever was going on in your world, it didn’t matter because I knew that our bills would be paid, I knew that we would have food, I knew there would be shelter from the storm. I knew this because I made it so! HA HA HA, double freaking HA. Silly me, how could I even pretend that you did not have the ability to send me to a dark pit that I have had to work so very hard to climb out of? How is it you felt it was ok to hide, lie, and manipulate me? Better yet, have you not learned? You will NEVER win, you will only lose more and more of what you think actually means something. Is there anything else left for you to lose? At some point, will you finally ever stand up and take accountability for all you have done? Will you ever realize that you like every single one of us on this planet are in the shoes we are because of choices we make? How do you come about in life with having an ounce of responsibility? How can you stand not taking control and changing your life so that you can be something of meaning to yourself, your kids, your society? Do you not want, wish, hope for better?

I’ve jumped a little off course – I apologize. I’m struggling to laugh on a regular basis. I am constantly worried now. You make decisions without realizing how they affect my wonderful children, which in turns causes me so much pain. I have come to realize that no decision you make will be good for them. It hurts me. I did what I had to do to ensure they are safe and protected. I would ask for forgiveness, however I don’t need it. You made your choices, and for that there are consequences. For those choices, I will now hold you accountable. It does pain me for my children’s sake but I had to decide upon the road that would cause the least amount of injury to them.

Alright – so forget a little off course – there doesn’t seem to be a course for this letter. I may struggle to laugh now but I am still standing, I am still smiling and in the end, I am still the one tucking my children into bed at night receiving their sweet kisses. I hope you miss it – I hope you feel the pain from the decisions you have made. I don’t think you will but I still hope.

Working through the pain,

Your Ex Wife