The Tenth

Dear Jose,

Tuesday you approached me at the gym by speaking spanish.  Do I really look latin or hispanic or what not?  I've never been confused for anything other than a standard mutt before you came along.  Then, today you ask me for my number, well, after spending five minutes trying to figure out my schedule and when exactly I would be at the gym.  I tried telling you politely that no you were not going to get my number however you came back up to me asking me when you could see me again.  Am I missing something?  You will see me when I have the misfortune of not timing my visits to the gym properly and I have to run into you again.  A subtle hint should have been enough instead I spent my run going over different dialogues of how I was going to tell you to back down or be beat down.  I don't want to be mean.  It isn't really in my nature.    Yet, here I stand feeling like you will continue to harass me until I am mean.  Hopefully, you will get it figured out soon.

Uggh, just leave me alone,

Mel P

The Nineth

Dear Readers (or the lack thereof),

Is anyone actually reading this?  Are ya'll really out there?  I am beginning to doubt your existence and yet I still continue to write.  I know, I know, I took some time off - however let me give reason without making an excuse for I do not believe in excuses.  I started this blog and about 3 days laters, a bomb was released on my life.  I pushed through and figured it would get better however it has been so very emotionally straining on me.  It shouldn't be, I know, I should be able to just cut my losses and walk away(Beth that is for you because I know what you are thinking).  The thing is no matter what happens my kids lose which means I lose.  How can I accept that?  How can I allow that to happen without some thought or care?  At this point, there is not a lot that I can control for people make choices that affect our lives everyday.  The only control I do have is how I will react and respond to what is being heaved my way. I choose to care and to plan - what are we as a people when we cease to care?  The answer is frightening.  Once again, I care and I plan.  It is all I can do as the story unfolds. 
In the mean time, I have letters written in my journal that I will publish soon.  Believe it or not, sitting at a computer is not my favorite past time and my computer is unbelievably slow.  It will happen - just be patient as I work through the mess or drama I often call my life - which who knows - some good letters might come from it.

With a heavy heart,

Mel P

The Eighth

Dear Mark H - Howdy Hoo Kangaroo,

Hey there!  How are you?   How is the wife and son?  Being a father everything you expected it to be?

I must confess, my first desire for this blog started with you.  I was looking back through old emails and read some of our earlier correspondences.  Reading them, I began to feel a sense of home sickness.  I wanted to write you and just act like old times.  I can't tell why I did not.  Perhaps, somewhere our friendship became somewhat stale.  It seemed after a while our conversations became the same.  I'm not sure how to make it not what it has become but I loved our rants back and forth, I loved the yearning for deeper thought, our discussions of the gospel, scriptures, love, bettering ourselves and the such.  I loved the songs - I will never be able to sing "If all the rain drops" again without thoughts of you.

Is it odd that I still consider you a good friend even though we have never met?  Truly, our friendship indicates the best pen pal'ing around a girl could ask for.  I love the random calls I get from you.  I'm so happy to see the progress in your life - everyone has their own road to drive down and you seemed to have done a pretty good job of staying your course.  Keep on it - I'll look forward to what awaits you!

As for me, send a little something for my mind to nibble on.

Missing you,

Mel P

The Seventh

Dear S D,

What happened?  Over two years ago, our relationship started out so fun, exciting and loving.  I felt you were the one for me.  How could there be a better match, right?  Apparently I was wrong.  Over time, the love faded, and bitterness replaced whatever fond feelings once were felt.  At some point, did you realize the shift?  Did you even care?  Or were you only looking after yourself and felt all others were merely pebbles upon your path to success?

I would love to end our relationship, to move on and start fresh, yet with all of your bad you bring so many perks including a sense of security.  I love you and hate you and wish I could find a new path to follow.  I am tied to you.  I want out so bad I can taste it, yet I am constantly reminded that I need you.  I pack my stuff up often, and realize I have nowhere to go.  I hope for a path to open up in front of me, however refuse to do the work to find that path.  Perhaps, I need to realize that all relationships have the good and the bad, as well as the ugly.  Perhaps, the problem is me.  Maybe you haven't changed afterall and I have just shifted my focus from the good to the ugly.  Will I find you more attractive if I just start looking at all the good?  Somehow, I believe I will still wake with a sense of dread because of you.  What should I do?

In need of something,

Mel P

The Sixth

Dear Unknown Force that creates mischief and delights in destroying my every plan and sense of security,


YOU
   STINK
        MAJOR
             BOOTIE!

Enough Said,
Mel P

The Fifth

Dear Sarah,

Every morning I wake and fall in love with my hair all over.  I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am for you going back to school for beauty.  Is that the politically correct way of saying it?  I don't know what it is called, but you rock my hair bootie.  Not to be confused with bootie hair though, that would be a little nasty.  Seriously - though - I wish you all the success in the world and know that you will excel at it.  I have yet to walk away questioning your prowess with scissors, hair dryer and color.  Even moreso, you have become a nice friend, whether it is doing a girl's night  (we need to do something soon) or chatting as you work on my hair, I have appreciated the fun energy you share with those who come around.

I admire you courage and confidence.  I would love to follow in your footsteps by going back to school to pursue something I love.  It's scary though and I question whether or not I really can do it.  You have been quite the example though and it gives me hope.

Not so secretly looking forward to my next hair appointment,

Mel P

The Fourth

May 10, 2010

Dear Paula Deen,

I have never watched your show nor read any of your cook books so I am not even sure if it is appropriate to write you a letter.  With that being said, I do know you are a GA girl who loves butter so the base of who we are just happens to be the same.  My confession: late last night after my kids were in bed and my friends had left - I partook of your ooey, gooey, chocolate butter cake goodness that surely came from the cooking gods of the South.  In case you didn't realize it, I enjoyed it - mare than enjoy - I delighted in every morsel that graced my mouth and set my taste buds a flurry.  I only ate 1/3 of the piece I bought, but I cherished it.  I even let my children eat some this morning just so the could also know what the devine tastes like.

Paula, today has been wretched and I can't help but watch the clock, counting down til when I can snuggle up with a book and finish the rest.  I will seek solace and comfort as I succomb to the confection your genius has designed.  For this oh so sweet relief, I thank you.

Today you are my friend,

Mel P

The Third

Dear Mom,

I forgive you.  For the choices that were made and were wrong.  For all the hurt and pain.  For the insecurities.  I forgive you.

I love you.  For standing up when others would fall down.  For getting back up when others would remain down.  For doing the best you could. I love you.

I have learned who I want to be and who I don't not to be based in part from your example. I want to be resilient, I want to be self-sufficient, I want to have the good heart.  I don't want to be hard, I don't ever want my children to feel like a man came first, I don't want to change for anyone but myself.  I have learned.

Mom, all I can say is we are going to make it.  Life has dealt us quite a hand but somehow you have helped to give me the tools and love I need to overcome it.

See you soon!
Mel P

The Second (should have been posted yesterday)

May 8th, 2010

Dear Mothers who came before me and mothers coming after me,

First, mothers who have come before me - how on Earth did you do it?  Such an awesome responsibility was placed in your hands and yet the world is still turning.  Your children were raised and are now raising their own.  Did you ever get down, forget to smile and just want to cry?  Did you know what you were doing or did you just wing it?  Moreso, when you look back, are you happy?  Do you feel like you did a just performance with the part you played in the lives of your chidlren?
Thank you, thank you for continually striving to help provide us with something to look up to, a guide post of sorts.  Helping those like me find a way in such a scarey terrain.  Thank you for the smiles, the gracious words, and moreso for the knowledge and understanding of what I face when I look up from my child screaming in Wal-Mart to see that all knowing twinkle in your eye (the lady who sliced my meat at the deli counter this weekend - that was for you!) - I take comfort.  You forged roads that I now walk upon and the relief I feel due to that is overwhelming - once again - I express my deep gratitude.

Now - to those coming after me -

Brace yourself - are you ready for this?  MOTHERHOOD IS HARD WORK!  Big surprise, right?  Seriously, though, you wake up worrying about everything.  What should you feed your children?  How should you dress your children?  What school should they go to?  Are they smart as the other kids in their age group?  Will that song with slightly suggestive lyrics playing on the speakers at Applebees ruin your child's moral character for life?  Will the crayon he just ate make him sick?  Should you call the Dr?  Should her skirt be that short?  Like I said, you will worry.
With that being said - everything will work out, somehow your child will survive.  Better yet, they will flourish.  So relax and enjoy, every season brings  a new adventure.  Don't worry as much and laugh more.  Be silly and play with your kids. Know that no matter what you do your kids will always love you but ensure they know that no matter what they do you will always love them.  Raise them to know that your expectations of them are only for them to learn, grow, and find what path fits them.  Stop dream of your future Doctor, Lawyer or Scientist, and start realizing that regardless of the path they choose - the will be fine as long as they find happiness. 
Don't be hard on yourself.  If they eat cheese and pop tarts for lunch here and there, it will be ok.  If they fall from a tree and break an arm - it will heal.  If they stay up past their bed time to snuggle and read a book, they will still wake up and go to school the next morning.  In fact I have found those are the moments that both, I and my children, treasure the most.

To all the moms - thank you,
you inspire and uplift me,

Mel P

The First

May 7, 2010

Dear Me,

Its been a long road so far.  Sometimes you have goofed up, made mistakes, and fallen down.  Amazingly enough, you get back up.  You keep jumping in with your arms flailing wildly, boldly laughing, all the while screaming.  Does the screaming really help?  Somewhere in this process you need to learn to love yourself.  You are worth it.  You also need to have more faith in yourself.  We all make mistakes, so stop being so rough on yourself - realize your worth and move forward knowing that somewhere down the road you'll look back and say - wow, look how far I've made it!  Actually - look back now - look how far you have made it!  Stop being afraid, life is about the journey so even if you don't reach every goal, you'll reach more by trying than by hiding from you really want.  Plus, think of all you will learn, experience, and enjoy from attempting different feats.  Furthermore, imagine the stories!
I apologize for mistreating you.  I apologize for not believing in you.  I apologize for letting others walk over you, for not understanding your beauty earlier in life - I apologize, plain and simple.  Please forgive me.
Remember  - mind your manners, always be gracious, and try to keep smiling.  Somehow - you'll figure this thing called life out.  In the meantime have fun and laugh!

With all my heart,

Mel P