Its been a while...

Dear people,

Its been a while and so much has happened. I lost my job and then stumbled upon a new one. I've made some good choices, I've made some mistakes. I've hurt others and I have been hurt. Amazing what all one can do in such a short time span. I have not, however been writing. I bought a new journal a few weeks ago so hopefully my writing will pick up again. Most of which, you will never see. With that being said, I have had a recurring theme going through my head and it plays itself over in one specific scenario. Hopefully the following will make sense, it will probably even sound familiar to my letter to Spencer.

On Sunday, I spent the better part of the day preparing for Valentines day. Even more time and energy was spent after the kids went to bed as I go to great lengths decorating the house to look as though cupid shot our house with his arrows of love leaving a trail of ballons, garland, streamers and the such every where. Quite literally it looks as though love puked in my little apartment. I then leave small gifts out for them to find in the morning. My kids love it and look forward to it each year. I also jump through hoops to ensure the same sense of magic is tied to the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, and the Easter Bunny. Heck, if it wasn't for my lack of creativity earlier on in my kids lives, I'm sure there would be other Holidays I would do similar activities for.
Many wonder why I would go to such great legnths (Really, how many moms buy special wrapping paper and create special hand made tags for the gifts from Santa???) to protect an image that is actually false. I have known many people who feel this is lying to their children and refuse to allow their kids to believe in any such none sense. I also know of friends who just let their kids know the truth when the kids ask about it. I, however, cannot. It would be easier for me to just let it go and move forward with life. But I CANT. Why can't I? To me, the answer is simple but to so many, it seems lost on them. I want my children to be children. I want my children to be untainted by the world, I want them unburdened with the sadness of life, I want them unscarred by the weight that is put upon us as we grow up. I want them to have hope and to believe in the good. Somewhere in life, we forget how to believe, we forget how to laugh and to love and to look for the good. Somehow, we let the pressures of life get us down and we believe that nothing will change and there is no good. As we get older, not only do we cease to believe in Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy but also we cease to believe in ourselves and in others. We cease to believe that we can be whatever we want. We cease to believe there is good. With that we stop forgiving, we stop loving unconditionally, we stop growing. I look at my children and I want them to hold on to that. I realize that one day they will know the truth, however I hope the feelings of joy, hope, and love will always stick with them and when they are 30 years old raising their own families they will think back to these days and the magic of our home and recreate that. If they do, then I made my mark in the world and it will be a slightly better place. That's what matters, right?